JSarkis.com

A potpourri of projects by James J. Sarkis
Rochester, NY


Sometimes the only way to hold on to hope in a seemingly hopeless situation is to express one's inner thoughts in writing. I'm going to give this a shot and see if it brings me any relief.

A moment of self-reflection... Since the year 2006, something personal and extremely important to me has been privately building up inside my heart. For so many years, I was afraid to bring up the subject for fear of what the reaction might be. I finally summoned the courage to take action a few years ago but, as fate would have it, my attempts to open up were unsuccessful, and I never got to say what I wanted to say. A cycle of unpleasant actions and reactions was set into motion which continues to this day without any end in sight. It's my firm belief that if I was ever afforded the opportunity to openly discuss what I've kept hidden for so long, then the problems which exist would be peacefully resolved, and there would be happiness at last. Sadly, this opportunity hasn't been extended to me. There are a handful of external forces at work obstructing my desire for peace and making that outcome impossible. That's so unfortunate, because I don't think any of this would've happened if the truth was known. I sit idly by in my prison, hoping and waiting for good news to finally arrive in the form of a pleasant phone call or long-awaited personal visit, but it's becoming increasingly unlikely that this will ever occur. All I'm left with now is feelings of regret.

Might things be different today had I been a braver man and spoken up years ago? Perhaps, though it's impossible for me to predict the reactions of someone. I'm not a mind-reader, after all. Is it too late for me to say what I need to say? I don't know. Present circumstances prevent me from doing so, despite my having the best of intentions. I have no idea what, if anything, can be done at this point; and that's deeply troubling to me. It feels as though time is quickly running out and the window of opportunity is about to close forever. How I wish that I could turn back the clock and change things. I would've reacted differently, spoken kinder words, and I certainly would have been bolder and revealed the truth years ago instead of waiting for some perfect scenario which never materialized. To my great despair, the past is the past, and I'm left searching for a narrow sliver of light in the current darkness. I desperately hope that someday, before time expires, that I can have just one more chance to share what's so important. Even if my words end up being rejected, at the very least I could say that I tried and that I didn't leave any uncertainty about this matter. I know in my heart that if the opportunity ever presents itself, that I'd seize the chance immediately. This unending, gnawing pain caused by my silence is too great a burden to bear, and I can't fathom spending the rest of my life suffering like this and wondering... "what if?"

I stand now at the most critical crossroad of my life: Do I remain here in Rochester waiting for an opportunity which might never arrive; watching in pain and forced into silence while some punk guy has appeared out of nowhere to steal what I've been fighting so hard for, or do I make a permanent move down to North Carolina and gamble that this move might finally inspire a change of heart in someone leading to the chance I've been hoping for? The stress of the decision is overwhelming and it has left me in tears. Can I really abandon my family forever on what is essentially a roll of the dice? What will I do if I make the move down South and there ends up being no change of heart and no chance for me to privately discuss this most important subject? I've sacrificed so much already in what feels like a futile effort; from my life savings, to my relatives, to my church, to my very freedom itself, and what do I have to show for all of this? Nothing. I've given it all up for nothing. Despite my many failures, I knew going into this that what I'm fighting for is worth every sacrifice I could possibly make. There's nothing I wouldn't give and nothing I won't do, because my heart is committed to this pursuit and I'm not turning back now. So do I make this one final gamble on a dream that has little chance for success? Time is running out for me to decide, and I'm terrified that I'm about to make the wrong decision. If I don't prevail in my legal appeal (and other efforts to remedy this problem), or if things don't change dramatically for the better over the next couple months, I think that I'll be left with no choice but to move and never come back. What else can I do? Everything I've tried to this point has backfired miserably on me and it has only made matters worse. This is not how I wanted things to be. I hope that this whole sad situation will quickly resolve soon, that fears will be overcome, that misunderstandings will clear, that anger will turn to kindness, and that a personal exchange can take place at last between parties leading to the happiness I've so desperately longed for. I hope with every fiber of my being that someone will care before it's too late.
~Feb. 18, 2017

Legal disclaimer: This reflection is written to my personal Web site as part of my First Ammendment right to freedom of speech, protected by the United States Constitution. It pertains to my own life experiences, and it's not written about anyone else. This reflection is not a communication to any person or entity, either directly or indirectly, and shall not be maliciously misconstrued as such. Any visit to my personal Web site is a voluntary act on the part of the visitor. © 2017 - no use or reproduction is permitted without my permission.

Note: My Web and software projects, resume, and blog won't be displayed again on this page until a later date.
However, my special event photo and video galleries are still available at: http://dorchurches.com/galleries.php

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54.166.80.147
02/27/2017, 08:55:22am
Created by: James J. Sarkis
Last update: February 25, 2017