Sometimes the only way to hold on to hope in a seemingly hopeless situation is to express one's inner thoughts in writing. I'm going to give this a shot and see if it brings me any relief.

A moment of self-reflection... Since the year 2006, something personal and extremely important to me has been privately building up inside my heart. For so many years, I was afraid to bring up the subject for fear of what the reaction might be. I finally summoned the courage to take action a few years ago but, as fate would have it, my attempts to open up were unsuccessful, and I never got to say what I wanted to say. A cycle of unpleasant actions and reactions would be set into motion which continued without end in sight. It's my firm belief that if I was ever afforded the opportunity to openly discuss what I've held back for so long, then the problems which exist would be peacefully resolved, and there would be happiness at last. Sadly, this opportunity hasn't been extended to me. There have been a handful of external forces at work obstructing my desire for peace and making any hope for a positive outcome seem impossible, while others have stood by silently and done nothing to help remedy this situation. Countless relatives have found themselves tangled up in this problem, and they've had to suffer unfairly. That's so unfortunate, because I don't think any of this would've happened if the truth was known. Instead, I sit idly by in my prison cell, hoping and waiting for good news to finally arrive in the form of a pleasant conversation or long-awaited personal visit, but it's becoming increasingly unlikely that this will ever occur. All I have now is feelings of regret.

Would things be any different today had I been a braver man and spoken up years ago? Perhaps, though it was impossible for me to predict how someone might responded to me. I'm not a mind-reader after all. Is it too late for me to say what I need to say? Present circumstances prevent me from saying anything, despite my having the best of intentions. I have no idea what, if anything, can be done at this point, and this leaves me heartbroken and in despair. Time is quickly running out and the window of opportunity is about to close forever. How I wish that I could turn back the clock and change things. I would've reacted differently, spoken kinder words, and I certainly would have been bolder and revealed the truth years ago instead of waiting in silence for a perfect scenario which never materialized. My silence unknowingly gave off the impression that I didn't care, but the exact opposite is the truth. I have made so many mistakes which I deeply regret. To my great sadness, the past is the past, and I'm left searching for a narrow sliver of light in the present darkness. I desperately hope that someday soon, before October arrives and time expires, that I can have just one chance to share what's so important. Even if my words ultimately end up being rejected, at the very least I could say that I tried and that I didn't leave any uncertainty about this matter. I know in my heart that if the opportunity presents itself, that I'd seize upon the chance immediately. This unending, gnawing pain caused by my silence is too great a burden to bear, and I can't fathom spending the rest of my life suffering like this and wondering to myself: "what if?"

I stand now at the most critical crossroad of my life. Should I remain here in Rochester and spend the remainder of my days watching in pain and forced into silence while some punk McDonalds burger-flipper from Match.com has appeared out of nowhere to steal away what I've been fighting so hard for? Or should I abandon this dream forever and make a permanent down move to Charlotte, NC, never to set foot in Rochester again? The stress of the decision is overwhelming me and becoming a constant source of pain. If I remain here, I don't know what more I could possibly do to change the situation with such a short amount of time to go. I've sacrificed so much already in what feels like a futile effort; from my savings, to my family, to my church, to my very freedom itself, and what do I have to show for all of this? Nothing. I've lost everything I have for nothing other than being treated like dirt or, even worse, treated like I don't exist at all. Despite my many failures, I knew going in that what I'm fighting for is worth every sacrifice I could possibly make. There's absolutely nothing I wouldn't give and nothing I wouldn't do, because my heart is fully committed and, as the saying goes, "the heart wants what the heart wants." How I wish that this sad situation would change soon, that fears would be overcome, that misunderstandings would clear up, that anger would turn to love, and that a personal exchange would take place at last leading to the happiness I've longed for. I desperately need to share the truth before it's too late, and before she ends up making a terrible mistake. All that I want is a chance.

Whether I receive that chance or I'm forced to move away, one thing remains certain: I will always love her no matter what...

Legal disclaimer: This reflection is written to my personal Web site as part of my First Ammendment right to freedom of speech. This reflection is not a communication to any person or entity, either directly or indirectly, and shall not be misinterpreted as such. Any visit to my Web site is a voluntary action on the part of the visitor for which I am not responsible.